What I Deserve
by floss bucket
Summary: After the Whomping Willow incident, Sirius is in Dumbledore's office and has a chat to the Sorting Hat. This is my version of how everyone made up after Sirius's mistake. Rating for violence and language. Not slash.


"Mr Black, what you have done is completely unacceptable! However, I am unable to punish you in the way you deserve without also harming your friends. You will stay here until I come back for you, at which point I shall decide your punishment." Professor Dumbledore looked at Sirius in a way that was half angry, half sad, and then walked out the door.

Sirius looked down at his knees, trying to keep the tears in. _What the hell does he mean by 'the way I deserve'? Does he think I deserve Azkaban? Do I think I deserve Azkaban? God knows I'd take it compared to some other things they could do to me! I'd rather go there than back to Grimmauld Place. If there is any place in the world that no one deserves it's there. And it's going to be bad enough, what Remus thinks of me. He's going to hate me. I'm not saying I don't deserve it, I do, but do I deserve any extra punishment on top of that? _

He fought a battle with his eyes to try and keep his tears in. He had been raised to think tears were weak, and that he still believed. Even though he was alone, he was reluctant to let go, to lose control. He looked around the room, blinking slowly, and spotted an old ragged hat sitting on a chest of draws. He got up and grabbed it, pulling it roughly onto his head.

_Ah! Mr Black. I do remember you. A fine choice for Gryffindor, you were. Very loyal and brave._

_Shut up!_ Thought Sirius,_ you don't know anything. You screwed up my life. You stupid hat! It's because of you my family hates me, and my friends are now going to desert me! If you'd bloody well put me in Slytherin, none of this would have happened._

_You do not know that, Mr Black. You had rebellious tendencies, even at that stage. You would not have been happy in Slytherin._

_Well I'm not happy in Gryffindor right now! _

_You are happy in Gryffindor. You just do not know it. Without your friends, you would not have gotten this far._

_Well am I going to get any further? Am I? "_Just tell me you stupid hat!" he yelled. He turned around quickly, feeling someone else's presence in the room. Standing there was Dumbledore, James and Remus. Dumbledore still had that angry but sad look in his eyes and James was avoiding Sirius's gaze, but Remus. Remus was staring at him with such anger and hatred and, what was that? Sorrow? Was he upset as well, that he'd lost a friend. Sirius had no doubts on the fact that Remus wouldn't want to speak to him again, he was just struggling to come to terms with it.

"I have spoken to Mr Lupin and he has requested that you not be expelled, as that may give away his secret. However, you will be receiving detentions every night for a month. In addition, 100 points will be taken from Gryffindor." said Dumbledore. Sirius nodded slowly, looking at the floor. Detentions for a month and 100 points off. That wasn't much. Oh, and Remus hating him for the rest of forever. That was.

"I'm really sorry, Remus. I was... an idiot. I don't know how else to put it." Sirius looked up at Remus. _I know I don't deserve forgiveness _he thought _but please, please give me a chance. _Remus seemed to be able to read Sirius's mind.

"Not yet, Black." Sirius nodded. There was hope, and right now, hope was all had, so he better hold on to it.

Sirius exited the room with James and Remus and followed them back to the Gryffindor common room. None of them spoke, but he could hear Remus's winces every time he hurt a muscle that he had strained during his transformation, he could hear James's angry mutterings that he was sure were directed at him. But he hid his tears, knowing they would make Remus feel guilty. Remus deserved to hate Sirius in peace for a while. Before he knew it, they were back in the dormitory and Remus was turning to Sirius.

"OK, let's get a few things straight. You don't talk to me. You don't bother me. You stay the fuck out of my way. Understand, Black?" Sirius nodded, closing himself up inside his four poster bed before anyone saw the tears that were threatening to escape.

For the next month, things were exactly the same. Every morning Sirius would get up before anyone else and go down to have breakfast. When the other marauders were eating, Sirius would be getting ready for lessons. At lunch he grabbed a few sandwiches from the great hall and retreated outside, and after lessons he was in the library until curfew. The only time he wasn't doing this was during his detentions, which were starting to really disrupt Sirius's work. He was getting behind, and all the teachers knew what had happened, and weren't showing Sirius any mercy. He had extra homework assignments for almost every lesson, and without Remus to help him, it was starting to overcome him. He had to fix up things with Remus, otherwise he would go insane. On the night of the full moon, Sirius's last detention, he decided that it was time to sort things out. He ditched his detention with McGonagall and made his way down to the Shrieking Shack just after moonrise. The other marauders had gone down earlier, so Sirius knew he wouldn't be alone with Moony.

He transformed just after he entered the passageway and ran down the tunnel on four legs. When he reached the shack he pushed the trapdoor open with his paw and climbed through it. He saw a rat, a stag and an extremely angry werewolf. The stag glared at him. _What are you doing here!? _It seemed to ask. Padfoot shook his head and turned to face the wolf, which was approaching him in quite a menacing manner. _I'm sorry Moony_.

_Sorry isn't good enough, and you know it!_

The werewolf swiped its claws across the dog's muzzle, leaving four angry looking cuts there. Padfoot winced, but he didn't back away. _I deserve this._ He thought.

_Of course you do! You're a traitor! You betrayed the pack!_ Padfoot bowed his head as the werewolf continued to attack him. He was thrown against the wall, scratched, bitten. He was bloody and bruised, but still he did not shy away from his punishment. After 10 minutes of this, the stag seemed to think the punishment had gone on quite long enough, and dragged the werewolf away, staring into its eyes and talking to it in a way only animals could. The werewolf looked back at the dog, who was trying to stand up on a broken leg, and a wave of pity seemed to rush through him. He approached the dog again. Padfoot winced. He knew he deserved punishment, but really, wasn't this enough? He was surprised, then, when the werewolf proceeded to lick his wounds clean and care for him like a brother. He let out a low moan when Moony passed over his broken limb and the werewolf backed away.

_I forgive you, Padfoot. Welcome back to the pack._

Padfoot couldn't stop the tears this time. They rolled down his face, tears of sorrow, of pain, of happiness, and of friendship.

The next morning Sirius woke up on the floor of the Shrieking Shack. He tried to push himself up onto one arm, but failed. He had cuts and bruises everywhere, and his arm, not the one he had used to push himself up, was broken. He could see blood on the ground, which he assumed was his. He turned his head; it was the only movement he was capable of, and looked to the other occupants of the room. Remus was still asleep on the bed, but James and Peter were sitting on the couch, looking straight at him.

"Could you give me a hand, Prongs?" rasped Sirius. His throat was dry and the words were hard to get out. James looked at him for a second, and then stood up. He walked over to Sirius and gently lifted him up until he was sitting. He then pulled out a container of healing balm and began to rub it soothingly into Sirius's wounds. Peter pulled out a flask and gave it to Sirius to drink. He gulped it down; it was a healing potion.

"Is Moony ok?" he asked.

"I'm fine" said Remus, waking up. "Well, as fine as I can be. I'm sorry about last night." He looked away.

"Listen, Moony. I deserved that, okay? Please, don't beat yourself up about it. I'm the one who should be saying sorry."

"You already did. And I forgive you."

Sirius nodded. "Thanks, Moony."

"So. Why were you yelling in Dumbledore's office?" asked James. Sirius looked at his knees. They were very interesting knees. Well, actually, they weren't very interesting. They were covered in blood, but they were a whole lot easier to talk to than James or Remus.

"I was having an argument with the Sorting Hat."

"You were what!?" said James, cracking up with laughter. Remus was a bit more restrained.

"And why, may I ask, were you having an argument with the Sorting Hat?"

"I was telling it that it put me in the wrong House." That sobered James up.

"Sirius-" he started.

"It would have been so much easier. And a month ago I- I didn't think I had any friends where I was. Or at least, I didn't deserve to have any. I wasn't feeling that great then."

"Is this about your family?" asked James.

Sirius nodded, opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again.

"What about your family, Sirius?" asked Remus.

"I probably should have told you before now, I just- I just didn't want to talk about it. I ran away this summer. It was getting too bad at home. They hated me, hated how I didn't believe what they believed, hated how I was friends with blood traitors, half bloods and muggleborns. When I went home during the summer, my mum used to tell me I worthless piece of shit, and my dad would beat me. And then, this summer, they used the Cruciatus Curse. It- it was awful. I left straight after that, went to James's. But they wouldn't have done that, wouldn't have done anything to me if I'd been a Slytherin. I'd still have a family." He was still looking at his knees, tears running down his cheeks. He felt somebody sit down next to him and a comforting arm go around his shoulders.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Sirius,' said Remus 'but you don't have to go back there. Ever." Sirius nodded. This was his family. They were his pack, his friends, his brothers.

"I love you guys."


End file.
